Carte Blanche

22 05 2012

By Julia Indigo/@juliaindigo

 

I wish I could eat an unimaginable dessert in a strange new land. I wish I could breathe twice as deeply as I do now. I wish I could go all the way, never look back, have nothing to lose, feel no guilt, leap across the chasm, praise mysterious heroes, dance in the street after midnight, and worship a wildly responsive female deity.

I the above was written by Rob Brezsny, of Freewill Astrology fame. I remember when I found this quote many years ago, back when I was more bound up in parental, societal, religious, and personal expectations than I am now. Shortly after that time I discovered the phrase Carte Blanche. That phrase resonated with me as I struggled to free myself from the web of conditioning that was a large part of my familial inheritance. I was ‘domesticated’ by that upbringing in the way that women in the 1950s were.

 

In our household it was as though the 1960s never happened. Once I was on my own the discongruency between my domesticated character and my inner true self caused me no end of grief. I was like a time-traveler, vaulted into a future for which I was essentially unprepared.

I have made peace with my history; today the dissonance of my past finds its way into my writing. Steven Canelli lives a life very different from mine, yet with many of the same self-defeating beliefs. He’s as much a prisoner of his ruinous upbringing as I was… but with less psychological understanding of his own motivations. While I started out as a sheep among wolves, he is successful and self-satisfied, until his compulsive habits and addictions destroy everything he holds dear.

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6 responses

22 05 2012
sheilapierson

I feel as though I just read myself in your words. I completely relate. Thanks, truly, for posting this…

22 05 2012
Julia Indigo

Thank you, Sheila, for the comment, and you are welcome. It’s taken me years to come to terms with my history… but the struggle is worth it, I think.

Many hugs!

23 05 2012
Coleen Patrick

I really like that quote–I actually took a deep breath as I read it. Thanks!

23 05 2012
Julia Indigo

You’re welcome, Coleen. And thanks for taking the time to comment.

I had that reaction, too. Sigh!

24 05 2012
Melody Pearson

I love the photo and the quote. I, too, sometimes feel the culture shock of living in the twenty-first century after being raised in the 1950s. The changes in technology, attitude, well, just every facet of life over the intervening years just blows me away at times.

I, personally, am glad I am not growing up now. Everything is so much more in flux. I feel that being raised “way back then” when foundations were more solid helps me to adapt to change without losing my essential self.

24 05 2012
Julia Indigo

Hi Melody, thank you for commenting!
Things definitely are moving faster now than they were back ‘in the day’. The young people I know seem so much more mature than I ever pretended to be when I was young. Maybe they are given what they need to cope with the changes better than we were?

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