Blindsided.

5 01 2013

By Julia Indigo/@juliaindigo

After a quiet holiday, I was doing laundry and packing to make a quick trip on January 2nd. A short drive, just me and my poodle, Ms. Blossom, aka Blossom Possom, aka Ms. B.

Around 9 pm I went over to greet Ms. B, who had been snoozing on the sofa.

“Hey there, sweetie!”

No response.

“Blossom?” I picked up her snout, and to my horror, she barely reacted.

“Blossom!!” She opened her eyes, mere slits, showing her third eyelids.

I sat on the sofa, stunned. What was wrong with her? She was fine yesterday… trying not to panic, I called my Dad, who, at 83, has been around a lot of dogs.

“I’d let her be for now. She probably just needs some down time.” I asked him to call me at 7:30 in the morning, so I can call the vet at 8 (I’m a late riser.) The Pet Emergency Clinic was out of the question – too expensive.

I managed to get her downstairs for her evening business, then carried her to her crate.

She was worse the next morning, and my vet had an opening at 4:20 in the afternoon. I fought down rising panic all day. She was lethargic, a sack of potatoes, no muscle tone, obviously very sick.

To make a long story shorter, he diagnosed conjunctivitis, and sent us home. The next morning she was losing her sight, and no better, not even her eyes. I called and he agreed, she shouldn’t be feeling like this. The blood work showed nothing – all normal – and he was at a loss. We added an antibiotic as a precaution, because in the past she’d not sprung a fever until several days went by.

I decided to get a second opinion, and went on Friday the 4th. By this time Ms. Blossom was completely blind, and her pupils didn’t respond to a flashlight in a darkened room. The vet thought it was SARDS, Sudden Acquired Retinal Degeneration. At least I had a name. We left with the phone number of the city’s veterinary ophthalmologist, who had no appointments available that afternoon.

A cursory web search on SARDS became more and more concerning – many conflicting opinions and articles as to it’s treatment and etiology. There’s a Igi protocol which would likely run into the mid-four figures – out of the question.

I was curious, though. Most articles agreed that for a couple of weeks prior to the blindness, the vast majority of canines exhibited symptoms of raging appetite and thirst, episodes of peeing in the house (due to drinking more water), large weight gain, and panting. Ms. B had none of these symptoms – the only one she had on the very long list was lethargy.

It’s a puzzle. More to the point, it’s a heartbreak.

Today is the first sunny day in what seems like two weeks, and I opened the door onto my balcony and ensconced Ms. B in the sun. As you can see, she’s imitating a Flat Dog, sound asleep. I’m sitting here typing on my laptop, with the fresh air – I knew she would enjoy this, and I am, too.

Flat Dog (Ms. Blossom)

Flat Dog (Ms. Blossom)

I just went for a brisk walk, and can hardly wrap my mind around the fact that less than a week ago she was trotting beside me, ranging to the end of her flexi lead. Since her vision loss I’ve taken her out on the leash a couple of times. We walk at the speed of a Parkinson’s patient.

Canines are adaptable, I know. If she doesn’t end up with SARDS, I know she’ll adjust. At twelve she’s had a pretty good life… and as I told a friend today, anytime you adopt a pet you are setting yourself up for heartbreak, unless you die first. Cold comfort, that.

On Monday we go in for an appointment to find out what this truly is. I’m hoping it’s optic neuritis – something fairly easily treated.

Keep your fingers crossed for us?

My blind girl

My blind girl

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Looking back on 2012, my personal journey

1 01 2013

By Julia Indigo/@juliaindigo

Yes, I’m back.

2012 was a year of extremes for me.

January: In the middle of an incredibly busy month, I was diagnosed with sleep apnea. I started Row80, but was unable to keep up with it due to my health problems.

February: A young friend who was working with us from time to time stayed with me, and I loved her company. I learned a lot from her! She continued to stay with me off and on through the beginning of June.

March: I continued to deal with shattering exhaustion from years of sleep problems, calling in sick frequently. However, better sleep finally began to turn my health around, and by the end of the month I was feeling almost normal.

April: So normal that I attempted Row80 again. Call me a glutton for punishment! I hit my stride in April.

May: Work was overwhelmingly busy, but I soldiered on.

June: I was still on-point with my blogging, writing about my novel and the science behind it. I also took an audition with two weeks of preparation. I don’t recommend that to anyone! It was an exhausting experience, and I will not fly American Airlines again, until they are out of bankruptcy.

July: The Black Dog of depression came home again.

August: There was nothing memorable about the first three weeks of August. I wasn’t dealing well with the Black Dog. At the very end of the month I went on a last-minute driving trip to New Mexico and Colorado.

mountain-55499_640

The Red Rocks of New Mexico, from the pixabay folder of user Brigitte Werner

During that trip I ended up in Boulder, CO for the first time ever. That’s significant because my protag spends 6 years there at CU, and although those years aren’t a significant part of the book as currently visualized, it does shape the man he becomes.

September: I was barely home when my former BFF bludgeoned me in a meeting about work. Within two days I spiraled into anxiety, which danced with the Black Dog as I worked out how to deal with both. I went back to Al-Anon, finding a home group that’s full of recovery, and considered going back to church. The 27th of the month another good friend had a ‘cardiac event’. Did I ever mention that my number one fear is a heart attack?

October: Much of my friend’s hospital time happened in October: a double bypass, four Code Blues, pulmonary emboli, and an internal defibrillator. I continued to deal with waves of anxiety and depression. There was no question of doing anything creative… it was one day at a time at this point. I went to a church which had been recommended to me a couple of times, but didn’t connect. (My friend is currently on the mend, thank heavens!)

November: Our symphony season was in full swing, and my other BFF was back in the US from overseas. She was with me part of the time here at home, and I went with her to Boulder for Thanksgiving with her cousins. It wasn’t terribly cold there yet, but I loved spending more time there with her… and I also got my desire to live there out of my system. My anxiety finally began to wane this month.

December: I finally got the Black Dog under control, and we had some time off from work. To my delight, I found that my creative juices were starting to surface again! Playing the Nutcracker got me in the holiday spirit, and the 25th Anniversary of the publication of Tom Wolfe’s Bonfire of the Vanities spurred me to read it for the first time. I intended to study it (and still will) – though I haven’t finished it yet, because I joined a book club at work, and devoured Yann Martel’s Life of Pi in two days for a book club meet. Christmas was spent with my parents, on some of the coldest days thus far this winter. Back home on the 26th, then on December 30th I found my church! I’ve never considered a downtown church, but the moment I stepped into the sanctuary at St. Mark’s Episcopal Church I knew I was home.

Losing my BFF has spurred a spiritual transformation in my life. I turned 55 in September, and made the decision in August to stop coloring my hair. The transformation of the growing-out process mirrors what’s going on inside of me… I’m coming to terms with my age and station in life, now enthusiastic and full of possibilities for personal growth in this second half of life.

I doubt that I will return to Row80 until later this year, but that doesn’t mean that 2013 is goal-less. More about that later on! It’s enough to say that I will be blogging once a week, starting now.

What was 2012 like for you? How did it change you? Let me know in the comments!








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